Many years ago, when I got my teaching credential in California, it was limited specifically to the community college system. After moving to Montana, I taught briefly at Rocky Mountain College, and then got caught up in other things—mostly writing and running our book store/tea shop.
I always enjoyed teaching, though, so I signed up with our local school district as a substitute teacher a few years ago. I had intended to just do high school, but ended up subbing in elementary and middle school as well.
I recently came across some notes I made about the experience. Some may be amusing, others informational. Either way, enjoy!
- When an 8th grader asks your first name, it’s because he’s getting ready to Google you.
- It’s kind of fun when they Google me, get the wrong Gary Robson, and think they’re being taught by a world champion darts player. No, I am not “Big Robbo.”
- When taking attendance, pay attention! You just may get one kid saying “here” twice to cover for a friend!
- 3rd graders are half the size of 8th graders, but they’re twice as loud.
- If you are asked about politics or religion, change the subject fast. There might as well be a robot careening around the back of the room shouting “Danger, Will Robinson!”
- The volume control on a 2nd grader has two settings: inaudible whisper and ear-piercing shriek.
- All kindergartners want to know if you know their mom & dad.
- High schoolers hope you don’t know their mom & dad.
- No matter how many pages of notes the teacher leaves you, there’s something important missing.
- If elementary school students are using computers, at least one of them will forget their password.
- When high school students finish their in-class assignments early, they all have somewhere urgent they need to go, ranging from the bathroom to the gym (“big game tonight!”) to the office.
- At least one student knows where the teacher keeps their confidential information. This can be useful, but it can also be big trouble.
- The kindergarten students had to type their name four times. Max finished a lot faster than Luciaunna.
- The student that acts the most helpful is not necessarily the one you should trust.
- There’s a website called “Keyboarding Without Tears.” Note that it doesn’t specify student tears or teacher tears.
- Always check the computers between classes to see what the students left open.
- Never show weakness. They will take you down like a school of piranhas.
- 6th grade and 8th grade students are both in middle school, but I’m pretty sure they aren’t even the same species.
- Surprisingly, the students using dangerous power tools in shop class are probably not the ones you have to worry about.
- Every class has a snitch. It behooves you to know who it is.
Things I didn’t expect to do as a sub
- Remove a gecko from the hood of a boy’s sweatshirt.
- Receive a note from a teacher saying “The students are all caught up. Improvise. Teach them something interesting.”
Gary D. Robson 